What do you mean I have an asymptomatic liver ailment?

Today didn't start off in the best way. I awoke to my phone ringing. That's not all that surprising, or bad in itself. Based on the volume, I concluded that it wasn't in the bedroom, so I let it ring, certain I'd never make it anyway.

Then it started up again a moment or two later. I always answer the second call. Two consecutive calls means "pick up the fucking phone if you're there you phone-phobic bitch!"

When I picked up the phone, it was Dr. B., my endocrinologist. He told me he already had my blood results from yesterday at 3pm, and that my liver enzymes were elevated. He sounded a touch upset as he explained that the drug he has me on wasn't known to have that side-effect, and wasn't known for having rare side effects. I gather, based on this, that some drugs must produce completely outlandish side-effects in a very small number of cases. In his view, it was possible that I was the only person ever known to have contracted drug-effect-hepatitis from my T-blocker, Androcur.

He told me to stop taking the Androcur, and to come in for new blood work in a week. This entire conversation was happening pre-coffee. I think I had managed to shrug on a bathrobe, but I might have been naked.

I nearly began crying when he said I had to go off the Androcur. The day before, he had agreed to prescribe estrogen once he had good blood work and a letter from Dr. M. (no problem there), and I was practically flying! I am very keen to take estrogen.

Why? Because I am SO tired of gender dysphoria. Most recently, it really has felt dysphoric, too. The trans makes me want to tear my own eyeballs out, or scalp myself. I don't actually injure myself; it's more about visualizing self-harm, but that doesn't make it pleasant. I have no idea how much better hormonal transition will make me feel, but I'm certain it'll help. And there I found myself, still not having brewed a coffee, being asked to let the testosterone back into my system!

I dazedly wondered whether "no" was an option, but decided not to argue with the eminent professor emeritus of endocrinology, who was at his desk phoning patients with their fucked up blood results before I had even managed to brew a coffee.

I agreed to stop taking my meds for one week, and come in for a fresh blood test next Wednesday. That's a really quick turnaround for the eminent super teaching doctor. I have this image of him as some super human being who trains people to perform miracles while knowing more than anyone about hormones and the like. He's a very nice man. He just happened to call with bad news before coffee.

Feeling torpedoed, I brewed coffee and stared at my computer screen while drinking it and taking deep pulls from my marijuana vaporizer. I moped around and wrote inconsequential emails for a couple of hours, and then began my junket of therapy sessions (well, if two can be called a junket).

My first session, with Dr. M., was fairly helpful. He consulted his thick manual of drugs for treating mood disorders--it looks like the phone book for a small city--and it turns out that Seroquel, my "mood stabilizer" (if you look it up, it's called a second generation atypical anti-psychotic, I believe, but we call it a mood stabilizer because I'm not psychotic, and I'm taking it at dosages well below those that the bona-fide psychos get), does cause hepatitis and "fatty liver" (something I pray I don't have) in some people.

I recall starting Seroquel almost exactly when I first saw Dr B (and started Androcur), so I'm laying my money on the Seroquel being the culprit. Sadly, I'll have to wait a week before we'll know. I'm anxious that Dr B, my endo, will feel the need to be conservative in the wake of this. I feel the need to move forward with my hormonal transition.